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I was thinking about Michel again. It's so completely unreal to me that he's gone. It's like - I JUST talked to him. Like I just hung up the phone and now I can't call him back. A part of me keeps going - call him and tell him not to do it. Like call him now. I wish more than anything in the world that I could go back to that day that he called. I would not be surprised or annoyed. I would be quiet and I would listen to him talk. I would tell him about all of the good things in the world.

I would tell him about Jesse and the way he says "I love you more." I would tell him about driving a big black Percheron around the neighborhood - just for fun, and waving at the neighbors and stopping to chat for a minute with them. I would tell him that the bad stuff on the news is just that...it's just stupid news. It's not even news...it's just crap to make us scared and sell more shampoo and cars. I would tell him that sad GOES AWAY. It does. I would tell him that he means so much to me, even this many years after high school. I would tell him that he's welcome at my house and he can stay and he can laugh.

I feel like I could call him. It's so unreal. When does it get to be real? What was he thinking?? I can't even imagine. I don't want to imagine. Ack.

I know how I must sound - but I miss him.

I can not get you the fuck out of my head. Why did you freaking do this?



Why didn't you say something to me - when we talked on the phone?

Why couldn't you have been one of those people who makes a million attempts and then never freaking actually kills themselves?????

I am so mad at you Mic.

How can you be dead? I had more things to tell you. I had some stuff to say. I'm not done talking to you yet. How can you be dead? I haven't said all I need to say to you.

I am mad at you Mic, for leaving me here with no answers.

I am mad at you for not letting me say good-bye.

I am mad at you for not letting me try to talk you out of it.

I am mad at you for not giving me a chance to explain.

I am mad at you for giving up.

I am mad at you for not telling me.

I am mad at you for not saying good-bye.

I am mad at you for leaving me.

I am mad at you for leaving us.

I am mad at you for Jesse. He won't know you now.

I am mad at you for getting off before the ride has come to a complete stop.

I am mad at you for checking out early.

I am mad at you for not believing that things do get better.

I am mad at you for having no faith in this place.

I am mad at you for not being brave enough to finish.

I am so mad at you Michel.

I miss you....

I think if you contemplate anything for a really long time, everything begins to make no sense at all....



Sometimes I wonder if we're just stuck on this planet to eat and poop and breed and then what else? Garbage everything up? No one is saving the planet. There aren't any heros. I haven't even seen a decent movie lately.



ack...when you lose someone you love - it sort of makes the little day to day things seem pointless. Today seems a little pointless. I hope this feeling goes away.